Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Moods and Migraines

If you've been following along, you know I've not been feeling well. Yesterday I didn't feel well, and I got a migraine. Fun times. My mood has been a little low, a little agitated, and a little impatient with a bit of distracted thrown in. I'm not sure people realize there is more to depression than just feeling low. Before my mood hits rock bottom, I actually go through a range of other emotions.

Before my mood tanks, I often feel like I'm feeling now, distracted and irritable. You can understand why I'm a bit concerned. Anger, frustration, muddled thinking, and severe fatigue are all signs I'm not doing so hot. Lack of motivation, isolation, and resentment often add to the debilitating mix. Depression is so much more than a low mood.

I've definitely been isolating lately. It's hard to go out. When I feel really poor it's actually painful to be seen. It's weird, but if you've been there, you probably know what I mean. I've been doing my best to force myself out the door, with varying degrees of success, lately.

I did make it to a meeting on Saturday, which was a huge accomplishment. I've had to work really hard to get out and exercise. Most days I've done something, though not much. My arthroscopically repaired right knee has been more, rather than less, sore, which is adding to my frustration and lack of motivation. If I were able to run right now, I think I'd be coping and feeling much better.

I am concerned about my right knee. I saw my orthopedic doctor a few days ago. He wants me to be patient, told me he had to do "a lot more in there" than we planned, and then said it could take up to three months to get back to running. So much for a simple procedure and getting back on the road quickly. That was the plan. Apparently my surgeon had to scrape more damaged cartilage than he originally anticipated in order to rid my knee of the bone spur. I'm in for a lot longer recovery, and I'm not happy about that.

Worries about not being able to run again, or run the way I'd like to run, are now crowding my brain. Like I said, I know I'd be coping with my current struggles better if I could hit the road. Maybe I wouldn't be having the struggles at all. Who knows...

One thing I do know, I'm not feeling well. But, hey, at least I don't have a migraine today. I guess that's one positive change.

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