depression is not about feeling sad,
it's about feeling nothing at all.
vacant,
devoid of all appreciation, enjoyment, love,
and worst of all--
of gratitude.
without gratitude there is no reason to be.
there is no experiencing of an experience,
it's just black and white.
there is nothing between the lines,
no meaning to the motions,
no colors to the landscape.
without gratitude
there is no living in this life.
I am simply a space holder,
an empty vesicle without purpose--
Why bother?
if I can't feel gratitude
life is not living,
it's a series of disconnected motions
going nowhere
meaning nothing.
the realization that depression steals my gratitude makes me sad.
depression doesn't make me sad.
I am sad because I cannot
feel
see
smell
taste
or touch
the wonder with which I am surrounded.
a smile
an interaction
a word
a movement.
there is no meaning behind any of it
if I cannot feel gratitude.
the cruelty of depression is not sadness.
sadness is, at least, a feeling.
the cruelty of depression is the dearth of feelings.
it is the vacuum which is my soul.
2 comments:
"an empty vesicle" - clever phrasing!
I can completely relate. I have actually said before that I feel like a seat filler from one of those awards shows, when someone goes to the bathroom. I made a promise to God, though, that I would stay till the end of the show (meaning I would not commit suicide). But that is exactly how it feels: no purpose in life, no emotions, just nothing happening except filling space. As if your only purpose is to make the world look full. I'm grateful for this post, so thanks for sharing!
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