Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, March 1, 2019


I think I got here yesterday. It's difficult to keep track of the days when one melds with the next and the next and the next. My brain is befuddled. My energy nonexistent. Yes, it must have been yesterday because I slept almost all day today. Even when I wanted to, I couldn't stay awake. This depression is wiping me out.

So here I am again. Inpatient psych. There's not much more to say than that. I guess it's where I need to be, but it still sucks having to be here. I'd much rather be sitting in my living room, in my recliner, Jet curled up at my feet, watching M*A*S*H reruns. Unfortunately, my brain wasn't allowing such simplicity. I might have been staring at the television, but my broken brain was focused on death instead.

The current, tentative plan is to begin another trial of Ketamine infusions. Unfortunately the earliest start date won't be until next Tuesday.'s going to be a long weekend. But those of you who've been following along for awhile know that Ketamine was miraculous during my last significant depression relapse, (18 months ago!) so I'll wait.

Unlike my last treatment, however, I will not be enrolled in a clinical trial this time around. In other words, I'll be paying out of pocket for the entire treatment. Ketamine isn't covered by insurance. (Note to insurance companies: If 7 drug infusions over the period of 5 weeks kept someone with severe, persistent, treatment resistant depression out of the very expensive hospital and allowed that person to be a contributing member of society for 18 months, how is it less expensive for you NOT to pay for the medication??) Just wondering.

No worries, though, I will pay what I need to pay to get my life back. Even though my brain tells me differently, getting my life back is worth it. I'm worth it. I like my life. I have a good life, a few friends, fabulous coworkers, a couple dollars in my pocket, a job I love, an adorable dog, and many adventures yet to conquer. Depression is a foe I wish upon nobody. I pray it's a foe I can beat back, make that pummel into submission, at least one more time.


Camille said...

Ugh, health insurance is one of those things I'll never understand. Glad you got the help you needed, but so sorry to hear you are struggling. Praying for restoration of health, energy, strength, and hope! You are so strong and I believe healing will come, praying for financial blessing and all the help, peace, and encouragement you need. <3

Wendy Love said...

continuing to pray for you

Paul said...

I'm glad you're getting the treatment you seem to need, even though it must feel like a setback. And it's too bad that our health (and lack of it) is merely a commodity to many decision makers.

etta said...

Thank you all for your continued support. And please be patient with your comments getting posted, as I only have access to my computer for a couple of hours each evening. I can read them when you post them, but I can't actually publish them until I have my computer. Long story... Thanks again. I feel lucky to have such a caring community of people behind me.

Unknown said...

Prayers...I hate this disease...I hate how it is treated differently than other medical put that so will change someday but in the meantime, so much suffering. Thank you for speaking up for all of us.

Jules said...

Hang in there Ette! Relief is right around the corner with your Ketamine infusions and that you can have hope in!