The trigger question

The answer, of course, is nothing. Wait, make that nothing! How many of you know where I'm going with this? If you have depression I bet you're all over it. The question is, "What triggered it?" And by "it" the well-intentioned friend, relative, stranger on a train with whom you are speaking of course means your depression. What triggered your depression?

I get it. Depression sounds a lot like depressed. So let's review. Depressed is a feeling. Depression is an illness. Or let's put it another way. Depression is an illness. Depressed is a feeling. Asking a person with depression what caused their relapse is invalidating. It demonstrates misunderstanding. It implies blame and fault. Nobody is at fault for having depression.

Like I said, I get it. It's a fair bet that everyone on the planet knows what it feels like to feel depressed. And feelings, being the fickle things they are, often have a reason behind them, a trigger. Boyfriend breaks up with me, dog dies, dessert splats on the floor; I might feel depressed, and with good reason! Feeling depressed is normal.

Depression is not normal. Just as cancer, multiple sclerosis, rheumatoid arthritis, and Type 1 diabetes are not normal. The commonality of each of these is illness. Illness is not a normal state of being. Illness is the result of abnormal functioning of something in the body. In the case of Type 1 diabetes the pancreas is the culprit. In the case of depression, the abnormally functioning organ happens to be the brain.

Because illness is the result of abnormal functioning, we generally intervene with some sort of medical treatment. Those interventions, be they radiation or medication, usually combined with behavioral changes (i.e. different diet, more exercise) allow afflicted persons to live comfortable, well-adjusted, productive lives for long periods of time, sometimes years.

Unfortunately, despite the best medical interventions and the healthiest of lifestyles, sometimes cancer returns, MS causes blindness, RA leads to irreversible joint deterioration, and diabetes gets nearly impossible to control. There is a worsening, a relapse, of abnormal functioning--of illness.

Unlike worsening depression, however, I have yet to hear someone wonder aloud what triggered somebody's cancer relapse. It would be ridiculous! Everybody knows a person can be doing everything right, yet the cancer returns. It's a given. It's understood. We may not like it, but it's understood.

Depression, despite being an illness of the brain, gets no such complimentary treatment. I was doing everything "right;" taking all my medications as prescribed, seeing my doctors as scheduled, going to my recovery meetings as usual, maintaining my sobriety, exercising as able, eating right and sleeping well. But just like that nasty cancer, my illness, depression, returned. I had a relapse.

Depression does not require a trigger. Yes, it may be triggered, but the reality is usually different. Like any other illness, depression, especially treatment resistant depression like mine, reoccurs without provocation.

Asking a person with depression what caused their relapse is invalidating. It demonstrates misunderstanding. It implies blame and fault, two things one would never consider implying to an MS patient.

I am not at fault for my current state of being. I did not cause it. I am not a bad person, and I have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a serious, persistent, deadly illness. I do my best to keep it under control and live a life worth living. But sometimes, despite my best efforts, it reappears for no reason whatsoever. Unfortunately, that's what some illnesses do.

I am not depressed. I have depression.