Tough days

I've had a couple of very tough days since my first Ketamine infusion Tuesday afternoon. Prior to the infusion and for awhile after the infusion, my mood was improving and I had more energy. Unfortunately, over the course of one hour Tuesday evening my world went dark again. Since that time, and especially today, I've felt nothing but heavy, slow, low and discouraged.

Today I felt like I was being swallowed by a nebulous, slow-moving black mass. It never stopped advancing, and I couldn't get away. I was too heavy. It was actually difficult to physically move. My brain was slow, too. Any thought or action took all of my effort and took place at a snail's pace. I spent much of the day in bed. Anything more was just too much.

As I laid there, unable to sleep yet unable to do anything differently, I hoped I would just slowly stop breathing. I felt like I was barely breathing anyway, so it didn't seem too far to go. It certainly would have been much less painful. But of course I didn't stop breathing. Instead I asked my nurse to sit with me for a bit, something at which I do not thrive, asking for help, that is. It was comforting somehow to have another person in the room. She was the right person for the task, and I was grateful for her support.

I guess that's why I'm here, for those moments or hours or days when my will to continue gets pummeled and negated by my depression symptoms. I'd much rather be the pummel-er than the pummel-ee, but that just wasn't the case today. Hopefully, tomorrow brings something new and different. It won't take much for it to be better than today.