I'm normal. All of my blood tests, which I wrote about in my last post, normalized over the course of a week. So while there is no explanation as to why my blood test results were abnormal to begin with, and still no explanation as to why I ended up in the ER after a hypotensive episode following a light workout, I'm relieved I'm apparently okay.
I'm glad everything came back normal, but I'm still not feeling 100% physically or mentally. I guess I"m not certain there is nothing going on inside my body. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm fairly in tune with my body, and something just doesn't feel right. So while the test results are reassuring, I'm not without concern.
I'm working hard to get back to my pre-hospitalization activity level, but it's been slow going. I'm anxious to get back to running. My Achilles tendons are improved. My right one is still giving me some trouble, but it hasn't kept me off the road. I've done 3 or 4 run/walk workouts over the past couple of weeks, including today. I'm incredibly heavy and slow, but I'm trying to be patient.
I'm trying to be patient with my mood, too. Like my right Achilles tendon, it's improved but still giving me some trouble. I'm back working about half of my normal schedule. It's great to be back at work. Even though it's tiring, I think it's helpful. It's nice to get out of myself and help others again.
Unfortunately, today I noticed a slight downturn in my mood again. It's so strange. I can't describe exactly how I feel, and it's so subtle I find it odd I even noticed the change, but I noticed nonetheless. I'm a bit low, subdued, dispassionate and flat. I'm concerned but hopeful it's just a dip in an otherwise upward trend. I wish there was a blood test for depression which could reassure me of that.
Depression Marathon Blog
- etta
- Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
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5 comments:
Heya, I hope you're feeling better! I've always found it helpful if i could find something like a hobby, so i can devote ALL my time to it. This distracts me to a large (good) extent, so maybe you wanna try that. You're not alone, just be patient and I'm sure you'll be tip top in time to come :-) love from a random asmr lover!
@ Glory y: Wow. Yours is exactly the kind of comment I've warned against on this blog. I'm not sure how devoting ALL of my time to anything will cure any illness...would you give this same advice to a person battling leukemia? Glad it works for you, but if you'd truly like to support and encourage a person with depression, the illness, I encourage you to keep reading this blog.
Hang in there Etta! With everything that is going on, it's no surprise that your moods are up and down. I think all you can really do is be patient and kind with yourself. Allow yourself the time it takes to go through all the motions. It sounds to me like you're taking all the right steps! I'm sorry you're feeling down :(
Hi Etta,
I agree with you about devoting all one’s time to a hobby. It may work for someone who is ‘a bit down’ who does not suffer from depression as an illness. Depression is such a serious illness ; my experience is that I do not have the concentration or the motivation to follow a hobby. In fact all my interests and skills just fall away as I am overwelmed with anxiety and depression. When you struggle to get out of bed each day (and often can’t) to wash, dress and brush your teeth, hobbies, are impossible. Trying to ignore the frightening dark thoughts going around in my mind are well nigh impossible and just trying to stay alive is a huge challenge. Maybe Glory y might read this.....as many people suffering from an episode of depressive illness have a similar experience.
I hope your gradual improvement continues Etta. You have been through a really tough time and are dealing with it in your usual courageous way. You are an inspiration.....
Hi Etta,
I just stumbled across your blog recently, your honesty and openness about your struggle with depression is inspiring and I appreciate you putting yourself out there. It's comforting to know that there are others out there who are going through the same thing. However, I wish none of us had to suffer from the heaviness of depression and I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some health issues. Hoping you're back to full health soon.
Meg
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