Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Mood taking a hit

I'm sorry to say that my illness has progressed into what feels like pneumonia. I'm totally wiped out. With the exception of yesterday, I've not been able to work. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. It seems every time I get one of these upper respiratory illnesses I end up on a steroid medication. With underlying asthma, my lungs just don't seem able to battle these respiratory hits. My chest is so tight I have one of the best smoker's coughs I've ever heard! Dry, screechy and wheezy, it's no fun.

Besides the respiratory hit, my mood has taken a hit, too. It's almost a certainty I will not be able to run the Twin Cities Marathon this Sunday, which is incredibly disappointing. But I have to admit I've been feeling a bit off for a few weeks; long before this illness and subsequent disappointment occurred.

Other than to my doctor, I haven't mentioned feeling a bit off. I've been trying to forge ahead and wait for it to pass. That happens a lot. I feel off for a while, but it doesn't advance beyond that. So I haven't been focusing on it. And had I not had this major disappointment, and this illness, I think I would have been okay. But now my mood has taken almost as big of a hit as my lungs.

I'm concerned, but I'm still hopeful. I think when I feel better physically, my mood will improve as well. That's why I didn't wait to get into my doctor. I want to stop this illness as soon as possible. If I don't, I fear my declining mood will rapidly take me down. My fight to get well has taken on a new urgency, and it has nothing to do with running a marathon.


Paul Lamb said...

I went for a bike ride the other day on the paved trail near my house. It had rained recently, and the trail has some muddy sections that you have to plow through or walk through. When I hit an unexpected patch of mud on a banking turn, my rear wheel skated out behind me and I almost lost control of my bike. I would have no doubt tumbled to the ground, rolled a few times comically, and lacerated or abraded my skin and my soul in many places.

From that point until the end of the ride (8 miles later) I KNEW that it was going to be a horrible ride. All I needed was that one near-mishap for my mood to plummet with the certainty that depression always delivers. And the whole time -- without another mishap -- it WAS a horrible ride because the black dog was barking.

I could say a lot of obvious things to you, things that you know: this will pass, you've defeated worse before, you know you'll get beyond this, it's only temporary. But I know both that you already know this and that it's hard to realize the truth in such obvious statements when the darkness if fighting the light.

For what it's worth, I count myself as a friend, a fellow sufferer, and a sometimes rational human being. I can offer empathy and sympathy.

And you're still running rings around me!!!!!!

Unknown said...

Oh Etta, was bummed to hear yoyu aren unable to run this weekend and are still struggling with health issues. Am pleased you are fighting the fight to avoid a URI.

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