Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, November 25, 2019

You help Me

I should be in bed. I'm exhausted. Today I worked my first full day since being hospitalized a couple of weeks ago, and it was a very busy day! Patient care takes a lot of brain energy and/or mental stamina. I'm not sure I have enough to do too many of these days back to back. But tomorrow will be a similar day. Unfortunately tonight has been a tough night.

Maybe it is just mental fatigue, and maybe I'm more mentally fatigued than I otherwise would be if I were back to one hundred percent. But I'm not back to 100%, and tonight I've been tearful and low. Tearful is new. There's likely no reason for the tears other than this damn depression episode hanging on for dear life. And that's where you, those of you who read and comment on my blog, come in. You helped me tonight.

Tonight I re-read your comments to several of my recent posts. Your comments to my post about returning home from the hospital were very poignant. I needed those encouraging words and reminders tonight. I believe I read through them all twice. Thank you.

You likely have no idea how much you guys help me. I write a blog with the hope it helps someone else, and so often I am actually the one being assisted. Your comments to the first post after my hospital discharge, which was a very difficult post to write about a very difficult, vulnerable time, saved me tonight.

You guys saved me. You are all so certain this will pass, and as Paul noted in his comment, I also know that somewhere deep within my being. Unfortunately, it's extremely difficult to locate or believe that thought right now.

So instead of digging for a possibly realistic thought I can't yet believe, I read your thoughts instead. Thank you all for holding me up when I'm down. I needed you tonight. I don't know any of you, but I needed you, and you all came through. Thank you. I think I can go to sleep now.


Am816 said...

You are loved and I care about you. You have helped me with your words. I lift up prayers for. Blessed Be.

Katy said...


I am so happy you are receiving my comments. I was having some trouble sending them before, so I sent you a message on Facebook, also. You are my rock in many ways. I was thinking about you today. I just got back from a busy day, and I wanted to see how you are doing today.

I know that it feels so real to you. It sucks. I know the awful thoughts (like OCD) swirling through your brain. They are NOT real. They are lies. I'm proud of you for making it through a day at work. That is so hard. Look into your dog's eyes. That is how much you are loved. Dogs are the BEST at showing it. They are so much smarter than people sometimes, aren't they.

Much Love from Mexico City where I am on vacation with my family. We just hiked up the pyramids today which was amazing.

They have a marathon here in August. Tempting, isn't it?


Katy said...

Know today that many are thinking of you. I hope each day is better!

Love, Katy

I just washed some clothes in the sink. I'm eating a banana and some homemade chocolate, and I'm hoping I can go on a short run later. The altitude here makes it more challenging than what I'm used to in New Orleans which is below sea level.