Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, February 9, 2020

Doing well...okay

I'm continuing on my road to recovery, now just over 2 weeks post-op. My hip seems to be coming along as it should. I'm having less pain, more range of motion, tolerating my exercises better, and generally getting around better, though still quite slowly. I'm encouraged my hip is on the mend.

My mood, on the other hand, seems to be going in the opposite direction. I'm not panicking yet. Actually, I'm not even close to panicking, but I'm getting concerned. My level of concern varies from day to day. One day I'm doing well. Another day I feel not quite well, more like okay. But I've had several days now where I feel neither well or okay. Those are the concerning days.

I had one of those days yesterday. I think it began the night before. I hoped a good night's sleep would cure me, but I could barely pull myself out of bed yesterday morning. Worse, a few hours after getting up I headed back to bed. That continued throughout the day. Moving was exhausting, mentally and physically, but my bed brought little relief. I was low, tired, discouraged, and worthless. I just couldn't break through the heavy shroud weighing me down.

By mid afternoon I may have begun panicking a bit. I knew the forecast called for a large snowstorm overnight and into this morning. I knew that would lock me inside my house, so I felt an urgency to get out yesterday while I still could. I needed to get out. I needed to move. I needed to do my exercises, get to the gym, ride the bike, get some groceries. But the more urgency I felt the more impossible moving seemed to be.

I'm not sure how I did it, but I eventually did get out. I believe I got to the gym around 7:30 PM. I slowly made my way around the place. Twice I headed for the door but turned around. I ended up spending 30 minutes gently spinning on the bike and lifting a few weights. I probably spent another 30-40 minutes standing around contemplating what to do next, if anything. But I did it.

On the way home I bought a couple of grocery items, including a pint of gelato (it was on sale), which I unfortunately consumed in its entirety prior to going to bed. Oh well, two steps forward one step back. I'm still not sure how I got out of my house, but I'm glad I did. My mood might be a bit better this morning.

We did get that snowstorm. It's beautiful. Jet loves it. But I'm now stuck in my house until somebody is able to come shovel me out. I'm feeling the urgency to get out again, but now it's because I'm stuck inside. I think I may get bundled up, hop out to the backyard and lie down. I can make snow angels with one leg as Jet ecstatically leaps over and around me. Pretty sure that will help my mood.

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