Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, March 13, 2020

Isolation is NOT good for my brain

My brain has been up to some old tricks lately. Lots of random thoughts, one after another, with little or no defining line between them. I'm having trouble focusing. I'm tired, and even when I'm not tired I want to sleep. My brain needs the break. I can't tell where my mood is at. I wouldn't say I'm low. Rather I'd say I'm disjointed, detached and uneasy. I wish my brain would shut up. I don't like where this is going, that is if it's going anywhere at all.

Last night I attempted to combat the chaos in my head by going to a meeting. I went but when I arrived the room was dark. Apparently the nursing facility which hosts our meeting is not currently allowing any visitors. I felt lost. I looked for another meeting and discovered there was one scheduled in a church basement a mile away. Once again, however, the room was dark. I must have missed the memo. Like the nursing home, the church had a sign on the door cancelling all activities due to the Coronavirus. Even Sunday services were cancelled! I left feeling lost all over again.

This Coronavirus is not helping my brain. Not only am I unable to go anywhere, I can't even watch my favorite distracting programs, i.e. sports, on television! Everything is cancelled! I'm either stuck at home with little to distract me, or I could drive around the block a few times--alone. Those are my options. There doesn't even seem to be a place where I can just go sit. I think that would help. I've got to get out of my head!

My brain, unfortunately, is taking full advantage of this public and private isolation. And that's not a good thing. My depression brain is bombarding me with the typical paranoia, pessimism, and doom. Inside my skull the shit is flying purposelessly in every direction and landing with a splat, and a splat, and a splat. It's random, messy chaos in there, and I don't know what to do to make it stop.


Amy said...

Hi Etta - I know this isn't the same as in-person, but does AA have contingency plans that involve online support groups during this time of Coronavirus concerns?

etta said...

@Amy: AA has many ways for people to connect, including online. I believe the issue right now may have more to do with the coronavirus policies of the buildings in which many meetings are held rather than a general AA policy. But yes, AA is available worldwide via postal service, phone, or the Web.

Bryan said...

I know we are in tuff times. Have you tried mediation or yoga? That always helps me when my mind my thoughts are all over the place?

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta- long-time follower. I love and appreciate your blog for its raw truth and honesty, good times and bad. As a depression-sufferer in a world/family that rarely seems to "get it" I come here because you "get it."

So this is not to say that anything I say could be "cure" or even help with depression- I know its a disease, and resent platitudes that minimize it.

In the OFF chance what helps me could help you, I wanted to share that I have been using AAPTIV an online running/workout platform where a coach encourages you while guiding workouts. They recently announced they are doing daily instagram-live workouts on their instagram page (I need to look up how to access instagram live). I think the class schedule is on their website? They have all level workouts as well as yoga/meditation.

Peloton is doing the same on their instagram I think? And is also offering a free trial--- thy have bodyweight/yoga workouts, not just cycling.

There is also a mental health support group that I join sometimes in the evenings by phone on the weekend... I can look for the link if you are interested.

Trying to brainstorm ways to crack the isolation...