Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Reaching out from the dark

Two nights ago I barely made it through the night. I wish that was an understatement. It's not. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't even get tired. And my brain was as dark as it's been in a very long time. It was dark. So dark.

I reached out as best I could. I wrote a long email to a friend sometime in the middle of the night. I called the same and another friend in the wee hours of the morning and left voicemail messages. I'm glad they didn't answer. I had no desire to awaken either of them at 3 or 4 AM. Finally I did something I hate. I called a crisis line.

I don't know why I called a crisis line. First of all I'm a writer much more than a talker, especially at times like that. Secondly, I'm barely able to talk to the 2 or 3 people I most trust when I feel so low. I don't know why I expected I'd be willing or able to talk to a total stranger. As soon as the polite young woman answered I regretted my decision. But that's how desperate things were. Despite all of my reasons not to, I called. The conversation was short and superficial, but I guess it kept me around a few minutes longer.

Something is wrong with my brain. That probably sounds strange to those of you who don't have this nasty illness, but unfortunately probably makes perfect sense to those of you who do. I don't always feel like something is wrong with my brain. But right now something is wrong with my brain.

My brain, my hip, my body, my soul...something is wrong. I'm doing my best to put one foot in front of the other, but the combination of super slow recovery from hip surgery, coronavirus isolation, and the inability to do the things I would normally be doing to cope (like work or even going for a walk) have been an almost lethal combination of circumstances for me.

I'm sorry. This is not an upbeat, enlightening or even very well written post. I generally try to give you something a bit more here, but I don't have anything else. This is the reality I'm currently living with, but I'm still living. And that's all I've got today.


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you must go through this. For whatever it's worth, I can empathize with almost everything you write. Your honest writing makes me feel understood and provides a measure of support. It may sound strange coming from an anonymous stranger, but I care about you. On some days I feel balanced, and on some rarer days I can feel the light in the world. I hope you soon have days of balance and light.

etta said...

@ anonymous: Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. My brain was not right today either. I know here I will find someone who gets it...but I wish we didn't. Does your dictionary do telehealth or phone appointments? Mine did recently due to the virus. I found a depression support group online as well though haven't tried it myself yet, but in case it helps anyone here is the link:

Janine Kreamer said...

Please hang on etta. When I was in the midst of my dark places, I encouraged myself by knowing every day that passed was one day closer to coming out on the other side and back into the light. And that day always comes. I am praying for you.