Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, April 13, 2020

I heard it

I heard a sentence. One year ago. I was lying in my hospital bed. The depression which had deposited me there showed no sign of release. A hostage, I was, to my very own brain. And then the sentence. Out of the blue, clear as day, I heard the words. Those words, that sentence frightened me then, so I wrote about the experience. It's a lot less frightening now. It just is.


Tough day.
Tough day.
Again.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Depression is a liar. It just is. It tells you stuff like this to scare and torment you. Don't believe it. You're strong, and things will get better again. Praying for you. I've been reading your blog for several years. And as a runner and someone who has dealt with this illness, I can relate to so much you have to say. Please give the ketamine time to work, and hang in there!

Amy said...

Keep hanging on, Etta. It's worth it.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. That awful awful weight of depression. Live-well foundation has a depression support group on zoom. Would so live to see you there, though it's all anonymous. The isolation feeds this disease. Wish we could reach out and take some of the weight. You have given so much to us all here...I wanted give back.

etta said...

Thank you each for your supportive words. I am grateful you took time to share and bolstered by your thoughts.

Katy said...

This poem shows depression completely taking over and writing for you, lying to you. I know that is hard to see. It's good to be completely honest about what is going on in writing. I think it helps.

Katy said...

I was listening to The Hilarious World of Depression a couple of days ago, I think. There was a great episode that Lulu Miller from NPR did. She talks about suicide. It was really good. She talks about how she manages the thoughts of suicide that are still with her today.

It reminded me of one of your posts. It was such a great interview, and it was so refressing to hear her honestly talk about how these thoughts are a part of her life, and how she has been able to build a life as well.

So glad to see your most recent post! Hurray for the bike ride and the ketamine! Woo hoo!!!!!!

etta said...

@ Katy: I'm flattered to be associated with anything heard on The Hilarious World of Depression. Excellent podcast. I heard the episode to which you are referring as well.

Katy said...

I'm such an NPR nerd! I love Lulu Miller. I'm so glad she shared her struggles with depression. It just made me a tiny bit more accepting of my depression. I generally hate it and get very mad at it. I don't accept it. Her sharing that just helped me somehow.



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