Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, August 9, 2020

A few minutes at a time

It's been a few weeks since I was given the green, well, maybe yellow, light to begin running. In between long rides, hill repeats, and intervals on my ElliptiGo, I've been running, gently running. I can't say I'm loving it yet, because it's still scary and feels like work. I'm so worried something is going to hurt during or after one of my sessions, it's been hard to enjoy my limited freedom thus far. 

When I say limited freedom, I'm not exaggerating. Two minutes, that's it. I've run for 2 minutes, 3 times, in the middle of a longer walk, 3 times per week for the last month. I admit, I've let the watch drift a few seconds north of 2 minutes before I slowed to a walk a few times, but that's it. I'm doing my best to follow the rules. I don't want to screw this up.

I see my physical therapist in a couple of days. I'm hoping she'll approve of where I'm at and allow me to advance a bit. I'm hoping for that and scared of that at the same time. This recovery has been so long and so nerve wracking, I worry every time I try something new. The worry is intensified when the new activity is running. Running is the reason I went through the surgery. 

I hope the feelings of fear and fragility eventually fade. It will be nice when I'm able to trust my body again. I'm looking forward to experiencing the ease and freedom of running again. I'm so looking forward to being a runner again. But I am willing to wait. In this instance, I'm more than willing to be patient. It's too important not to be.

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